A Ride goeth before a Fall.--See Automobile, Bucking Broncho, Bicycle, Air-Ship, Patrol-Wagon, Rail, and Go-Cart.
X RAYS Ten dollars from a friend.
YARN An essential in fabrication--either woven or narrated. Mill yarns are highly colored; those spun at sea much more so.
YAWL Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat, but never a cat-boat.
YAWNS The air-breaks on a sleeper.
YEAR A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since the other 40 are Lent.
YELLOW FEVER A passion for reading the Hearst newspapers.
YOLK The legacy of the hen and the burden of its lay.
YOKE The inheritance of the hen-pecked and the burden of the married.
YULE-LOG A Christmas protege of the grate, too young to smoke, too tough to burn and too green to warm up to anybody.
YOUTH The dynamo that makes the world go round; a product of its own generation, with its wires carrying Power into the high places of Earth and with its currents of Thought short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age.
ZEALOT One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to maintain it.
ZEBRA The crook among horses, condemned to wear stripes for life.
ZERO Originally, nothing; but now meaning a good deal on a thermometer or bank-draft, and comprising two-thirds of the 400.
ZIGZAG The popular route after a heavy dinner. Old adage, "The longest way round is the drunkard's way home!"
ZOUAVE The original Mrs. Bloomer.
Postage and Postal Information.
How to Mail a Letter.
After writing it, place it in a square or oblong envelope--round ones are no longer fashionable--seal it on the back and write a legible address on the front; then take a two-cent stamp, give it a good licking and retire it to the corner--the upper, right-hand corner, on the outside--never inside, as the postmaster is not a clairvoyant. Drop it in a letter box and trust to luck. If it's a love letter, it will probably reach her all right, for Cupid is a faithful postman and carries a stout pair of wings. If it's a bill, by all means have it registered; otherwise, your debtor will swear he never got it. If it's cash for your tailor, heed the post-office warning, "Don't send money through the mails." Wait until you happen to meet him on the street. If he sees you first, you lose.
First-class Matter.
Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress read, and therefore seal up, is known as first-class matter. Also, postal cards, where you're only allowed to argue on one side. If you think your letter should travel slowly, invest ten cents in a Special Delivery Stamp. This will insure a nice, leisurely journey, lasting from one to two days longer than by the cheap two-cent route.
Second-class Matter.
This class was originated for the benefit of Patent Medicine Mixers, who print circulars on "What Ails You" four times a year, and pepper the land with "Before-and-after-taking" caricatures, at the rate of one cent a pound.
Third-class Matter.
While the quack nostrums travel second-class for one cent a pound, books, engravings, manuscript copy, and works of art have to go third-class and are taxed one cent for every two ounces. They must also be left open for inspection, thus affording the post-office employee a fleeting acquaintance with something really useful.
Fourth-class Matter.
Everything not included in the above, except poisons, explosives, live animals, insects, inflammable articles, and things giving off a bad odor. The last two do not include The Police Gazette or The Philistine.
A Few Mythological and Classical Names.
Brought down to date in brief Notes by the Editor.
ACHILLES. A courageous Greek, who did a general slaughtering business in Troy in 1180 B. C., but was finally pinked in the heel--his only vulnerable spot--and died.
Long life often depends on being well heeled.
ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved by Venus and killed by a boar.
Bores have been the death of us ever since.
BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied the Gods with nectar, the beer that made Olympus famous.
Those desiring a drink, please ask Dickens if "Bacchus is willin'."
CASTOR AND POLLOX. Two clever sports and twin brothers from Greece, Castor being a horse-trainer and Pollux a pugilist, whose sister, Helen, a respectable, married woman, disgraced the family by eloping with Paris.
Just because a man can break a broncho or win a prize fight, it's no sign he can manage a woman.
CERBERUS. A dog with three heads, a serpent's tail and several snakes around his neck, who guarded the main entrance to Hades.
When a man begins to see snakes and one head looks like three, it's a cinch he's not far from Hell.
CHARON. The gloomy gondolier of the Styx, who carried the dead to the Other World--if they paid him first.
And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid Transit must pay his fare in advance.
CUPID. The son of Venus and the God of Love, who with bow and arrows punctured men's bosoms with the darts of admiration.
But now-a-days the arrow's not in it with a snug bathing suit or a decollette gown.
