CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. You are still less under sixty. Boss Mangan, you will not marry the pirate's child [he carries the tray away into the pantry].
MANGAN [following him to the half door]. What pirate's child?
What are you talking about?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [in the pantry]. Ellie Dunn. You will not marry her.
MANGAN. Who will stop me?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [emerging]. My daughter [he makes for the door leading to the hall].
MANGAN [following him]. Mrs Hushabye! Do you mean to say she brought me down here to break it off?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [stopping and turning on him]. I know nothing more than I have seen in her eye. She will break it off. Take my advice: marry a West Indian negress: they make excellent wives. Iwas married to one myself for two years.
MANGAN. Well, I am damned!
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. I thought so. I was, too, for many years. The negress redeemed me.
MANGAN [feebly]. This is queer. I ought to walk out of this house.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Why?
MANGAN. Well, many men would be offended by your style of talking.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Nonsense! It's the other sort of talking that makes quarrels. Nobody ever quarrels with me.
A gentleman, whose first-rate tailoring and frictionless manners proclaim the wellbred West Ender, comes in from the hall. He has an engaging air of being young and unmarried, but on close inspection is found to be at least over forty.
THE GENTLEMAN. Excuse my intruding in this fashion, but there is no knocker on the door and the bell does not seem to ring.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Why should there be a knocker? Why should the bell ring? The door is open.
THE GENTLEMAN. Precisely. So I ventured to come in.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Quite right. I will see about a room for you [he makes for the door].
THE GENTLEMAN [stopping him]. But I'm afraid you don't know who Iam.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. DO you suppose that at my age I make distinctions between one fellow creature and another? [He goes out. Mangan and the newcomer stare at one another].
MANGAN. Strange character, Captain Shotover, sir.
THE GENTLEMAN. Very.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [shouting outside]. Hesione, another person has arrived and wants a room. Man about town, well dressed, fifty.
THE GENTLEMAN. Fancy Hesione's feelings! May I ask are you a member of the family?
MANGAN. No.
THE GENTLEMAN. I am. At least a connection.
Mrs Hushabye comes back.
MRS HUSHABYE. How do you do? How good of you to come!
THE GENTLEMAN. I am very glad indeed to make your acquaintance, Hesione. [Instead of taking her hand he kisses her. At the same moment the captain appears in the doorway]. You will excuse my kissing your daughter, Captain, when I tell you that--CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Stuff! Everyone kisses my daughter. Kiss her as much as you like [he makes for the pantry].
THE GENTLEMAN. Thank you. One moment, Captain. [The captain halts and turns. The gentleman goes to him affably]. Do you happen to remember but probably you don't, as it occurred many years ago--that your younger daughter married a numskull?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Yes. She said she'd marry anybody to get away from this house. I should not have recognized you: your head is no longer like a walnut. Your aspect is softened. You have been boiled in bread and milk for years and years, like other married men. Poor devil! [He disappears into the pantry].
MRS HUSHABYE [going past Mangan to the gentleman and scrutinizing him]. I don't believe you are Hastings Utterword.
THE GENTLEMAN. I am not.
MRS HUSHABYE. Then what business had you to kiss me?
THE GENTLEMAN. I thought I would like to. The fact is, I am Randall Utterword, the unworthy younger brother of Hastings. Iwas abroad diplomatizing when he was married.
LADY UTTERWORD [dashing in]. Hesione, where is the key of the wardrobe in my room? My diamonds are in my dressing-bag: I must lock it up--[recognizing the stranger with a shock] Randall, how dare you? [She marches at him past Mrs Hushabye, who retreats and joins Mangan near the sofa].
RANDALL. How dare I what? I am not doing anything.
LADY UTTERWORD. Who told you I was here?
RANDALL. Hastings. You had just left when I called on you at Claridge's; so I followed you down here. You are looking extremely well.
LADY UTTERWORD. Don't presume to tell me so.
MRS HUSHABYE. What is wrong with Mr Randall, Addy?
LADY UTTERWORD [recollecting herself]. Oh, nothing. But he has no right to come bothering you and papa without being invited [she goes to the window-seat and sits down, turning away from them ill-humoredly and looking into the garden, where Hector and Ellie are now seen strolling together].
MRS HUSHABYE. I think you have not met Mr Mangan, Addy.
LADY UTTERWORD [turning her head and nodding coldly to Mangan]. Ibeg your pardon. Randall, you have flustered me so: I make a perfect fool of myself.
MRS HUSHABYE. Lady Utterword. My sister. My younger sister.
MANGAN [bowing]. Pleased to meet you, Lady Utterword.
LADY UTTERWORD [with marked interest]. Who is that gentleman walking in the garden with Miss Dunn?
MRS HUSHABYE. I don't know. She quarrelled mortally with my husband only ten minutes ago; and I didn't know anyone else had come. It must be a visitor. [She goes to the window to look]. Oh, it is Hector. They've made it up.
LADY UTTERWORD. Your husband! That handsome man?
MRS HUSHABYE. Well, why shouldn't my husband be a handsome man?
RANDALL [joining them at the window]. One's husband never is, Ariadne [he sits by Lady Utterword, on her right].
MRS HUSHABYE. One's sister's husband always is, Mr Randall.
LADY UTTERWORD. Don't be vulgar, Randall. And you, Hesione, are just as bad.
Ellie and Hector come in from the garden by the starboard door.
Randall rises. Ellie retires into the corner near the pantry.
Hector comes forward; and Lady Utterword rises looking her very best.
MRS. HUSHABYE. Hector, this is Addy.
HECTOR [apparently surprised]. Not this lady.
LADY UTTERWORD [smiling]. Why not?
